Tips to get Through Holiday Events with Family
By: Alexis Montes, LCSW
Stay grounded
Breathing Techniques
Box Breathing - this is a common breathing technique practiced when people are feeling stressed or anxious and need to get more grounded. The core component of box breathing is that you hold after each inhale and exhale.
So this would look like:
Inhale 4 seconds, Hold 4 seconds
Exhale 4 seconds, Hold 4 seconds
This technique can be really beneficial to prevent those with a tendency to hyperventilate or lose touch with their breathing
Take deep breaths when needed, or even just when you remember to, some people hold their breath when stressed
Try to lengthen your exhales when you can - remember long and slow
This activates your parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) by stimulating the vagus nerve, which promotes a calmer state to counteract the "fight or flight" stress response. This helps to calm you down physically by lowering your heart rate and reducing sensations of stress.
Do check-ins with all of your senses (try to name a few of each)
What can I see around me right now?
What can I hear around me right now?
What can I touch around me right now?
What can I taste right now?
What can I smell right now?
The more in touch with your senses you are, the more in touch with the
present moment you are.
Recognize Body tension
Jaw clenching, shoulder tension, or other body tension can all be very common signals of nervousness or stress in the body. Try to check in with how tense your body is every once in a while and do some muscle release and relaxation.
Recognize overstimulation
Group settings in general can be very overstimulating, try to get to calmer or quieter spaces for breaks now and then.
This could be: kids running around, kitchen noises, loud TVs/music, loud
conversations, uncomfortable holiday-themed clothing, overly cold/hot
environments
Gratefulness
The holidays are a great time to reflect on what we are grateful for, which can help provide us with calm and relief during stressful moments. What are you feeling grateful for?
Practice Radical Acceptance (“It is what it is” mentality)
What is Radical Acceptance?
The practice of accepting reality as it is or as it will be, through acknowledging what you do/do not have control over.
Using Radical Acceptance for the Holiday Hosts
Having many people in your home and safe space is incredibly hard at times, no matter how much you love them. Try to practice this extreme acceptance to get you through this event, no matter how it ends, because time doesn’t stop; the event will end.
Using Radical Acceptance for the Holiday Chefs
Haven’t we all burnt a turkey or been incredibly frazzled by making a lot of food at once? Practicing radical acceptance helps us acknowledge that things that have already occurred can not be changed or controlled. If the turkey is already burnt, lashing out at loved ones, or allowing it to ruin this time together won’t change that.
In Summary,
This tool is going to help you work towards the recognition that people are the way that they are, and the only person you can change is yourself.
Just because you are acknowledging what you do and do not have control over, does not mean you are passive about it or that you can’t set boundaries. This leads us to our next category.
Setting Boundaries
Feeling as safe and comfortable as possible is something everyone deserves, especially during a time that is supposed to be for celebration and bonding.
Physical safety
Is someone forcing hugs or touching in a way that is not appreciated or appropriate? Tell them no, or have a trusted family member tell them no for you.
Some common holiday examples include;
Forced Hugs
Too close proximity (This is my bubble, and that is yours)
Any form of unappreciated grabbing
Unappreciated rowdiness or any form of hitting
Emotional safety
If family or friends are behaving emotionally abusively to you, say something or just leave; you do not deserve to be treated in this manner.
Some common holiday examples include;
Name Calling
Shaming (body shaming as well)
Mean-spirited comments
If someone is making you uncomfortable with actions or words, you do have the power to say something about it.
You don’t have to tolerate any discriminatory behavior. I do not recommend entertaining conversations about politics, religion, or any controversial topics specific to your family, especially if you know that opinions differ, during holiday group events. It is more than okay to state that you are not comfortable with talking about certain topics and redirect the conversation to something else entirely.
Know your limits
Can you only handle so much time around a lot of people or around certain people? Don’t push yourself too far out of your comfort zone; respectfully exit when you need.
Recognize anxiety or irritability that is rising to a point where conflict or panic might occur, and try to excuse yourself before your mental health is affected to such an extreme point.
A helpful practice for this is something called Stress Biofeedback. Simply put, this is when you stay mindful about how you feel physically when you are struggling with intense emotions. Then you learn these signals to take the appropriate steps.
Some examples:
“When I get really angry, I feel my face get hot and like my head might explode. My mom said something, I felt my face get hot, and before I said something I might regret, I excused myself to the restroom to give myself some cooldown time”
“When I am really anxious, my stomach hurts and I can feel my chest getting tighter and tighter. There was so much going on at the family holiday party, I started feeling that nauseous feeling I get when I am too anxious, and I knew that I needed to use one of my breathing techniques to de-escalate myself”
Have an exit strategy
Have a plan in advance to leave
This means knowing when you get there, that you will try to leave at X time through Y mode of transportation.
You can also announce this to others when you get there if you feel comfortable doing so. For example: “We will have to get going around 8pm”. You can provide a reason if you’d like, but you don’t have to
If you think feeling unsafe/uncomfortable is likely during a family holiday event, try to drive yourself, have your means of transportation pre-arranged, or ride with a trusted person who will be okay with leaving whenever you need to.
Teens and Children
Teens and children traditionally don’t have the power or ability to leave when they please
This can lead them to feel silenced and not disclose their true feelings or set boundaries on their own because they do not believe they have the power or respect to do so.
If you are a parent of a teen/child about to celebrate the holidays at a big family event:
Ask them if they have felt uncomfortable with anything/anyone at past holidays
As long as it is appropriate to the setting, let them wear whatever they feel most comfortable or safe in
Look at them and check on them often.
Do they seem irritable, anxious, or otherwise uncomfortable?
Do they look comfortable or like they are having fun?
Do they need anything?
If you are a teen/child about to celebrate the holidays at a big family event:
Please, tell a trusted adult if something or someone makes you feel uncomfortable
Excuse yourself to the bathroom or to a calmer area if you need a break from socializing
Bring sources of comfort with you, this could include:
Headphones/earbuds, toys, fidgets, or sentimental items.
Seek Therapy
It is very common for the holidays to trigger overwhelming thoughts, feelings, or memories that lead people into seeking professional help.
Get Ahead of the holidays by scheduling your first session today!
Alexis Montes, LCSW
Alexis is a licensed therapist with experience helping those with social anxiety, panic attacks, or family-related issues. She works hard to hold a safe space that allows you to explore and work towards validating your thoughts/feelings. Alexis also has an extensive knowledge base on coping with loved ones who are emotionally immature adults, as well as those who have borderline personality disorder, or narcissistic personality disorder.
