Understanding Insecurity in Relationships
By Kerry McCarthy, LMHC, LPC, CPC, LAC
When we talk about insecurity in relationships, it’s important to remember that none of us arrives as a blank slate. Our history, family dynamics, and past relationships all shape how we show up. Often, insecurity is rooted in earlier experiences where emotional needs weren’t fully seen or met. Over time, we may carry forward quiet fears of abandonment, of not being enough, or of love being something we must earn.
These internal narratives can shape our behavior: we might second-guess ourselves, seek constant reassurance, or silence our needs to keep the peace. Left unchecked, insecurity slowly chips away at connection, replacing it with hypervigilance, self-blame, or emotional burnout.
And today, there’s an added pressure: social media. It creates a constant loop of comparison, but not a fair one. We’re holding up our private, messy, very real lives next to someone else’s curated highlights. When we feel unsure or disconnected, those highlight reels can deepen our doubts, fueling stories that we’re falling short or missing something.
This is why I often invite clients to reflect, gently and honestly, on both their past and present. Ask yourself:
How do I relate to my history? Is it something that defines me, or can I move freely within it?
Does the version of myself I present today feel true to my values?
Am I building a life and relationship that feels meaningful on my own terms?
When we’re caught in those old stories, believing every anxious thought, reacting on autopilot, it becomes hard to tell what’s actually happening in the relationship. We lose clarity. That’s why it helps to pause and get curious about how insecurity is showing up day to day. Not to judge it, but to understand it. Because insecurity doesn’t always announce itself loudly, it can hide in small habits, quiet fears, or the way we edit ourselves to keep the peace. If you're not sure whether insecurity is playing a role in your relationship, here are a few signs to watch for:
Re-reading messages, worrying that you said the “wrong” thing
Feeling anxious when your partner needs space
Avoiding your own needs to “keep the peace”
Constantly scanning for signs of rejection
Feeling like love must be earned, not freely given
None of these patterns means something is wrong with you, they’re often signals that something inside is asking for safety, care, and clarity.
The good news is, building security in a relationship doesn’t have to be complicated. It starts by noticing those moments of doubt and gently challenging the stories that come up. Ask yourself: What do I know to be true right now? Practice saying what you need clearly and without apology. True security grows when both people feel safe enough to be honest, imperfect, and still fully accepted.
Even simple, consistent rituals like checking in, setting shared intentions, and making room for repair after conflict can go a long way in rebuilding trust and connection.
And if fear is calling the shots, if you're constantly second-guessing yourself, feeling unsafe emotionally, or losing sight of who you are in the relationship, it might be time to talk with someone. Therapy isn’t just for crises. It’s a space to unpack old patterns, reconnect with your sense of worth, and build relationships that support who you are, not who you think you need to be.
If you're ready to explore where your insecurity comes from and how to build more grounded, secure relationships, we’re here to help. Call our practice today to schedule a session and take the first step toward feeling more connected — to yourself and those you love.
