Why Setting Boundaries Feels Lonely (and How to Cope)
Guest Author: Rachel Hansen, LCSW
Setting boundaries sounds healthy in theory. But in practice, it can feel isolating, guilt-ridden, even punishing. Boundaries are supposed to protect you, yet they often leave you feeling cut off.
Why does doing the healthy thing sometimes feel so bad?
Why Setting Boundaries Feels Lonely for So Many
Emotional Consequences
Unspoken contracts are invisible rules and expectations that exist (usually in families, but sometimes in friend dynamics as well). They aren't formally agreed upon, but they are deeply felt. Here are some common examples of unspoken emotional contracts you might not even realize you're operating under:
I’m your emotional dumping ground, even when I’m overwhelmed.
I keep the peace by being agreeable, and you never question me.
We bond by joking, even if it crosses the line.
Martyrdom equals love.
We stay close by avoiding emotional vulnerability.
When you start setting boundaries, you often disrupt the unspoken contracts people have gotten comfortable with. They might call you selfish or cold because the dynamic they relied on is shifting. They may feel abandoned, accuse you of “changing,” or being “difficult.” You might be told to “lighten up” or get labeled as too sensitive. You may be rejected or accused of being distant.
Revelations
Boundaries often reveal relational imbalances which can be jarring. You may have never thought about the impact on you of different roles in your family and the realization can be upsetting. Sometimes people realize there was more abuse or neglect in their lives than they knew at the time. But setting boundaries does not cause dysfunction or unhealthy family dynamics, it shines a light on the dynamics that were quietly dysfunctional all along.
Common Reactions You Might Encounter
Setting boundaries is hard all around. Sometimes your boundary is the first real limit or "no" that a person has encountered in a long time, and they don’t know how to handle it. Here are some responses you might encounter:
The Manipulator
There are people who want to manipulate your feelings, gaslight, and twist your words so they can get their way. Flipping the script on things you've said, or even things they've said. Rewriting history - or accusing you of doing the same.
The Mirror-Averse
There are people who are uncomfortable with your life - whether it's a simple personality clash or the moves you make reflect something back on them - some crack in their armor, something they aren't proud about for themselves. Your growth or clarity makes them uncomfortable about their stagnation.
The Avoidant or Insecure
There are people who are stuck in their own unhealthy patterns and they don't know how to speak up for themselves or that they even matter - so they make themselves small and don't spend time with others who they feel intimidated by. They are ruled by deep discomfort or fear - and often wish they could be as strong as you, but push those longings down and retreat.
Why the Loneliness Doesn’t Mean You’re Wrong
You're not crazy or broken for being lonely and upset when your boundaries upset others. Broken connection is painful regardless of where it came from, or the intentions. It hurts to feel we have lost friends or family members. Feeling sadness or pain does not mean your boundary was a mistake. It means the relationship actually meant something to you, and sometimes we grieve the fantasy version of the relationship that was never real: you don't miss *that person* you miss the version in your head that you hoped they could become. You don't miss THAT specific mom, you miss the mother you wished you had.
When you "withdraw" from people-pleasing, you might not get instant relief. You may actually feel worse before you feel better. But that doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing. It means your nervous system is adjusting to a new, healthier baseline. The emotions you're feeling can be part of the "withdrawal" that happens when you start breaking free from people-pleasing patterns.
Guilt
You may feel guilty for saying no, disappointing someone, or not fixing something for someone else — even if it wasn’t your responsibility.
Anxiety
You might feel a lingering worry, and you might even repeat phrases in your head like 'What if they’re mad at me?' or 'Did I do something wrong?' That’s often your nervous system staying on high alert, trained to seek others’ approval.
Identity Confusion
If you’ve defined yourself by being “the dependable one” or “the nice one,” suddenly not fulfilling that role can make you wonder, “Who even am I without this?”
Urge to Over-Explain or Apologize
You might notice an almost automatic impulse to soften, justify, or walk back a boundary.
Fear of Abandonment
People-pleasing is often tied to attachment wounds. When you stop managing others’ emotions, it can bring up fear that you’ll be rejected or left behind.
What to Do About It (Coping with Guilt and Grief After Setting Boundaries)
Instead of spiraling into chaos or depression, and instead of walking back your boundaries and calling that person to apologize or to try to explain your actions again - the best thing you can do is learn how to sit with those feelings and NOT act.
Get Clear on Your Why: Reground yourself in your purpose. Was the boundary set out of self-care, clarity, truth? A simple question I like to pose is: if they never changed, could you be healthy in a relationship exactly they way they are now?
Find Regulating Support: Therapy, journaling, or friends who understand healthy boundaries. As a therapist licensed in Las Vegas, Nevada, New Jersey, and Colorado I specialize in helping people set clear boundaries that make them feel empowered.
Expect (Some) Discomfort: It’s a sign of growth. The pain you walk through here is something that other people can never touch. You can't have growth without some pain - and some people will never grow because of that.
Stay Open, Not Contorted: Be willing to reconnect with people, but not at the cost of your clarity. Boundaries are to protect - and in many cases they are to protect YOU. I never advise people to set boundaries with the hope someone will change because the point of a boundary is to protect you, and people not invested in growth usually do not change (sad, true fact). But that being said, I have seen it happen that a boundary is a wake up call and causes people to think about how they have been treating others and make real changes. If that happens it doesn't mean you have to reconnect with someone, it just means it might be healthy to explore your feelings with a trusted support or a therapist at that point. Even if they have changed, you still may need the boundaries to protect you - and that's ok too.
Hope For The Future
If you feel lonely after setting a boundary it might mean you're finally standing somewhere real. And that loneliness can be the bridge to authentic connection - with others and most importantly, with yourself. You're not wrong for wanting peace, respect, and emotional safety. If you want to explore further check out my resources on emotional resilience and stay connected for future blogs on boundaries and relationships.
Want help navigating the emotional weight of boundary-setting? Rachel offers sessions to clients in Nevada, New Jersey, and Colorado. Schedule a free consultation with her or explore therapy options.