Letting Them In: How Emergency Responders Can Talk to Their Partners About Work
By: Kerry McCarthy, LMHC, LPC, CPC, LAC
If you work in emergency services, chances are you've had days that are hard to explain.
Maybe it’s the call, shift, or deployment that stuck with you longer than you feel like it should have. Maybe it’s the shift where everything felt like too much and not enough all at once. Maybe it’s the way you carry other people’s worst days home in the quiet corners of your mind.
Talking about it doesn’t always come naturally. In fact, many responders learn early on to compartmentalize—to push it down, to shake it off, to move on to the next thing. The uniform goes on, the role gets filled, and the emotions stay folded up somewhere out of reach.
But what happens when the weight of that starts showing up in your relationship?
The Wall Between You
You may not mean to shut your partner out. Maybe you’re trying to protect them. Maybe you think they won’t understand. Maybe you’ve told yourself, “It’s better if I just deal with this on my own.”
And on the outside, things might look fine. You’re present. You’re functional. You make the coffee, take the trash out, clean the garage, you go through the motions.
But over time, a subtle wall can start to build—one made of silence, half-answers, or quick subject changes. And your partner may start to feel it, even if they can’t name it. The distance. The emotional static. The way you're there but not quite with them.
They may wonder if they’ve done something wrong. They may worry that you're angry, distracted, or pulling away. Not because they’re oversensitive but because connection thrives on openness. And when it’s not there, we can feel it in our bones.
Why It’s Hard to Talk
Let’s be honest: there’s no easy way to describe what you see and carry in your line of work.
You witness trauma. You make split-second decisions. You go from zero to crisis and back again multiple times a day. That intensity isn’t easy to translate into dinner table conversation.
And even if your partner wants to be there for you, it’s possible they’ve never experienced anything like what you’ve seen. That can feel lonely. It can also make you question whether sharing is worth the effort—or if it will just make things more complicated.
But here’s the thing: not talking can be just as complicated. Silence doesn’t erase the stress, it just leaves you to carry it alone.
How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Job
You don’t have to go into every detail. You don’t have to re-live the hardest call. But you can start small. You can start real.
Here are a few gentle ways to open the door:
“I’m not great at talking about work, but I want to try.”
“Today was really hard, and I might be quieter tonight. It’s not you.”
“I don’t need advice, I just need to vent about my day for a minute.”
“Today was rough. I’m going to go to the gym after shift so I can be more present with you tonight.”
You’d be surprised how far even a sentence like that can go.
Sometimes, your partner just wants to know you’re letting them in, that they matter enough to share the real version of you, even when it’s messy or unresolved.
Building a Bridge, Not a Breakdown
Letting someone see your stress doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human. And that humanness is where real connection lives.
When you invite your partner into the emotional reality of your work, at whatever level feels right, you’re not burdening them. You’re building a bridge. You’re saying, “I trust you with this.” And in turn, you give them the chance to support you in a way that feels grounded and genuine.
You don’t have to choose between being a strong responder and a vulnerable partner. You can be both. In fact, being able to name what you feel, and ask for what you need is a kind of strength that extends beyond the job.
If It Still Feels Like Too Much
Sometimes, even with the best intentions, the words don’t come easily. That’s okay.
Therapy can be a place to process the things you don’t know how to say yet. It can also help you practice showing up differently in your relationship, more present, more connected, more understood. And when you start letting someone in, even a little, it’s not just about your partner understanding you. It’s about you remembering that you don’t have to carry this alone.
Therapists Who Truly Get the Life You Live
At Wandering Pine Wellness, we’re not guessing what it’s like, we’ve lived it. Many of our therapists have served as emergency responders, in the military, or in correctional settings, and several are also married to firefighters or service members. We offer therapy for first responders because we understand the culture, the unspoken stress, and the emotional toll this work can take on us as individuals as well as our families because it’s part of our story too. This isn’t just what we do professionally, it’s what we deeply get personally. You don’t have to explain the weight of the job here. You’ll be met with understanding, not judgment.
Reach out today — we’re here when you’re ready.
