How to Support a Partner with OCD Without Losing Yourself | OCD Therapy Spokane
By: Laura McDowell, LMHC | Read More about Laura here: Laura’s Bio
When someone you love has OCD, it can feel like you're caught in a delicate balance: wanting to help them while feeling uncertain about how to do it effectively. Perhaps you find yourself walking on eggshells, offering constant reassurance, or getting pulled into rituals that leave you both exhausted at the end of the day.
As a therapist specializing in OCD therapy in Spokane, I've seen how it affects not just the person experiencing it but also the people who care about them most. Supporting your partner doesn't mean becoming their therapist or sacrificing your own well-being. With understanding, boundaries, and compassion for both of you, you can be the loving presence they need while also taking care of yourself.
Understanding What OCD Really Is
OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) is often misrepresented in our culture, reduced to a quirky preference for organization or cleanliness. The reality is much more complex and challenging. At its core, OCD involves distressing thoughts that intrude on your partner's mind (obsessions) and behaviors or mental rituals (compulsions) that they feel driven to perform to reduce overwhelming anxiety.
These concerns can be about virtually anything: obsessions about getting sick or infected, compulsive worries about accidentally injuring someone or something you love, doubts about your partner, moral scrupulosity, or concerns about losing control. The compulsions that follow are a person’s attempts to gain relief. Unfortunately, relief never lasts, creating an increasingly difficult cycle to break free from.
The Reassurance Trap
It's normal to want to ease your partner's distress. When they come to you worried, “Are you sure the door is locked?” your instinct is to offer comfort and certainty. While reassurance feels like the kindest response in the moment, it often unintentionally feeds the OCD cycle. Each time we provide that certainty, we reinforce the idea that their fear was valid and that relief must come from outside themselves rather than from building their own tolerance for uncertainty.
I'm not suggesting that you respond coldly. Instead, try acknowledging their feelings while expressing confidence in their ability to sit with discomfort. You might say something like, "I can see you're really worried right now. I believe in your strength to handle this uncertainty, even though it feels hard."
Supporting Your Partner’s Journey to Treatment
OCD can respond well to proper treatment, particularly to a therapy called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). This approach helps people gradually confront the thoughts or situations they fear without performing compulsions, teaching their brain that anxiety doesn't have to be immediately eliminated. Medication can also be valuable for many people.
OCD often targets what matters most to a person. This might include their values, relationships, or health, making the prospect of confronting these fears in therapy understandably frightening. Rather than pressuring them, consider gently opening the door. You might say, "I see how much you're struggling, and I want you to know I'll be here with you when you're ready to explore options for feeling better." For partners already in treatment, learning about their therapy goals can help you support their progress at home. Many therapists welcome partner involvement that reinforces recovery.
Your Wellbeing Matters, Too
As you probably recognize, the impact of OCD extends beyond your partner; it affects you too. If you're feeling drained, anxious, or caught in unhealthy patterns, it's essential to acknowledge what you need.
Supporting someone with OCD shouldn't mean setting aside your own mental health. Making space for your own needs—whether through therapy, time with friends, rest, or hobbies—isn't selfish. It’s necessary for sustaining the relationship and being the supportive partner you want to be.
Many partners find tremendous value in connecting with a therapist who understands OCD dynamics, whether that means through individual therapy, couples therapy, or family therapy.
Walking This Path Together
OCD can feel overwhelming and all-consuming at times, but it doesn't have to define your partner or your relationship. Being supportive isn't about having perfect responses.
You're allowed to make mistakes along this journey. You're allowed to feel frustrated. And you're absolutely allowed to take care of yourself. Most importantly, you're allowed to hold onto hope. Remember that in supporting your partner through OCD, you're not just helping them manage symptoms; you're walking alongside them as they reclaim their life from anxiety, and also supporting your own mental health.
Next Steps
If you're in the Spokane area (or anywhere in WA!) and seeking support, I’d love to assist both you and your partner on this journey.
FAQ
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FAQ -
Does OCD always require therapy?
OCD rarely improves on its own and often worsens over time if untreated. Evidence-based therapy, particularly Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), is considered the gold standard for OCD. Therapy isn’t about “fixing” someone; it’s about giving them tools to reclaim their life from OCD.
Do I have to do ERP therapy in person?
No. ERP can be highly effective via teletherapy or virtual sessions. Many people successfully work through ERP with an OCD-specialized therapist online, which can offer more flexibility and privacy. If you’re anywhere in WA, I can support you and/or your partner!
What if my partner tried therapy before and it didn’t help?
That’s more common than you might think. Not all therapy approaches work for OCD, and some therapists may not use evidence-based treatment. If your past experience wasn’t helpful, it could be because the therapist wasn’t trained in ERP. Finding a therapist with OCD-specific expertise can make a huge difference.
I’m not sure I want to take medication. Is that required?
No one is forced to take medication, and it’s not the only treatment. Many people see significant improvement with ERP therapy alone. However, medication (usually SSRIs) can help reduce symptoms enough to engage more fully in therapy. It’s a personal decision that can be discussed with a therapist or psychiatrist.
Can I call and schedule an appointment for my partner?
You can call a provider to ask questions or share concerns, but your partner needs to consent to treatment and typically must make the final decision to schedule. Supportive language like “I’ll be right there with you when you’re ready” can be more helpful than pressure.
Can I be involved in their therapy process?
With consent from your partner, yes! Having families or partners involved in therapy can be beneficial to everyone.
